my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
