He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
