Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
