I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
