then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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