So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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