so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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