i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Enjoy the penises
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
