the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E