thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
