seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
