my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
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Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
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Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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