just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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