Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
