Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
