she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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