i already hear my dad disowning me
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
