If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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