if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
