On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
