I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
