So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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