it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
