No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
