Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just cropdusted the office
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
