whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
