When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
