dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
