my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
