shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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