her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
