It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
