You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
