I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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