dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
