So drunk its hurt
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's official drugs can't kill me
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
