you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
