She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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