My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
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"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
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Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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