blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
