hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
