We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
