I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
