i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
