I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
