she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
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and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
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THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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