sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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