I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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