yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
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so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
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Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
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