I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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