That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Randomize
