Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
