went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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