Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
