Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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