Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
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Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
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Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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