I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
